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Controversial Tax Topics

Question: What do you all think of the foster care system being eliminated?

I am writing a controversial essay and this is the topic I chose. Here is what I have so far.

Foster care should be eliminated. There is no need for abused or neglected children to go from door to door looking for a home to temporarily stay. Besides foster children cost every state and tax payers more money. They should rather be placed into an orphanage where they can be adopted. Foster care generally refers to the system where children who are involuntarily removed from their families due to being abandoned, neglected, or abused, and are placed in the state’s custody by the court and reside with foster parents.

Feedback Please
Can someone please edit my paragraph.

Answer: There is something you should address in your essay. Not saying I agree or disagree with you, but the reason foster care is set up is so that abused, neglected or abandoned children will still have the moral guidance and affection of a parent, albeit its not the same as the real thing.

Unfortunately, there are people who don’t make good foster parents at all. Its not as bad as the media portrays it, but its still unacceptably bad, and there aren’t ways to monitor how the foster parents are treating the children until something bad happens.

I don’t think you should bring up money in your essay. Orphanages will have to be built if the foster care system falls, and, while it still might be cheaper than foster care, the strongest point of your essay is the emotional appeal, and bringing up money will hurt this.

Also, you’re using a lot of big words inappropriately. “Foster Care should be eliminated” “looking for a home to temporarily stay”

You don’t want to use as few words as possible, but you also don’t want to use words that you aren’t 100% sure you know how to use correctly. Also, the “door to door” statement is completely wrong, that’s not how it works. I’m not sure if you were being metaphorical, but regardless, you should go to Wikipedia(yes its a reliable source I don’t care what your teacher says) or Google so that you understand it well enough to write about it, and so that you also have statistics and facts to back up your opinions.

Don’t use too many statistics, 2 is good, 3 is ok, 4 or more is too much.
Also, You should explain what foster care is BEFORE you criticize it, not after. You said, “foster care should be eliminated” then you said “Foster care generally refers to the system where children who are involuntarily removed from their families due to being abandoned”

There is no need to put generally in there, and you don’t need referred. Again, you won’t impress teachers by using fancy words, and you’ll hurt your grade by putting in unnecessary words.

This sentence should be written something like “Foster care is the system where children who are removed from unfit homes are removed from their families and placed in the homes of volunteer foster parents.

The basis of your essay is good, and if you just polish it a bit, it should do very well.

If you want to ask me for more help, my Email is

gottogog@gmail.com

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